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Even wives of sex addicts farther along in recovery may still be living in fear, or that old fear may creep up again, if you aren’t keeping her in the know about your recovery. Maybe not, and your marriage will suffer–or end–if this is the case.If you are one of those who is taking recovery seriously you have probably received guidance from many individuals: therapists, sponsors, coaches, books, meetings, etc. It is important to remember that those who are there to help you through your personal recovery are not often marriage experts and some of their well-meaning marriage advice may hurt more than help. By putting your recovery first you are doing what is best for her. Ignore all advice that sounds anything like what I mentioned above–that “her side of the street” stuff. So, how do you let your wife in while respecting the anonymity of the group, while being able to feel safe in your counseling sessions without having to worry about having to go back and report everything that was said? Give her so much information that she doesn’t have to ask.It is likely that you have been told by some—if not most—of those guiding you in recovery that your wife needs to “stay on her side of the street.” (This was a quote used in a recent movie about sex addiction, referring to a popular belief about what recovery should look like for a couple.) Now, think about how many guys you hear in your recovery group say, “I am doing everything right, I am going to meetings, therapy, staying sober, but she is still angry! How frustrating it must be to be working so hard and go home to someone who may yell, throw things, blame, and not even trust that you are doing what you say you are doing. This is the best way you can love her and if she can’t see that she is being selfish. There is no doubt your wife had some degree of dysfunction in her past (please find me someone who hasn’t), and this current situation might have brought up some of these issues for her. How do you allow her to be involved while not feeling controlled and remaining in charge of your own recovery? (But know she probably still will and that’s okay.) In my extensive experience working with wives of sex addicts, here are some of the things they want to know and have a right to know: These are just a few examples.She needs to work her program and let you work yours. ” Considering the unstable state your wife may appear to be in, or the stonewalling you may be having to endure, the advice mentioned above might seem to make a lot of sense. But no matter how you look at it, with rare exception, your actions are the reason she is feeling what she is feeling now. Does she deserve to be told to butt out and wait for you to be ready to be there for her? Your wife can clue you in to what she needs to know.To spy on an i Phone, you’ve got to circumvent Apple’s own restrictions and protective measures, potentially exposing the device to security holes and software incompatibility in the process. If you’re already thinking about doing this, you’ve probably already ethically justified the practice in your head.Whatever your reasoning for doing so, it’s always worth considering how you would feel if someone did the same to you. Not only is it advertised to snoopers who want to track the location of an individual, or spy on someone’s smartphone usage but it’s also marketed as a legitimate security tool.This is ethically questionable at best, and a massive breach of privacy at worse.
I know I am gone so much with meetings and therapy and that must be so hard for you after all you have been through.
If she is resistant, don’t let it turn into an argument. If there are still secrets in the marriage, your wife probably senses this and this will hinder effort you take to improve your marriage.
Get help from a professional who specializes in working with partners of sex addicts from a sex addiction-induced trauma perspective. Even though she may be afraid to believe anything you tell her or show any vulnerability, she does notice these things, and they do make a difference. Even if there are no more secrets she will still doubt because of the years of lying that have given her no reason to trust.
Is there anything else you want to know about my recovery?
I really don’t want you to feel like I am purposely keeping anything from you. Here are some things that are okay and even important to keep private.